London: Tea Time in Wonderland

My friend Benoit is going back to Paris shortly. He hasn’t experienced an afternoon tea yet! It’s hard to find one at the last minute, a quality one usually needs to be booked 2 months in advance. We thought we’d take a chance and step in the Athenaum – a five star hotel, rewarded this year by the Tea Guild Award of Excellence. This sounds promising and the tearoom does not look overwhelmed with customers.

I’m not sure we have any table left…

We point at one behind the young woman. Two free seats. Confused, she asks us to sit down.

We ask for the afternoon tea menu. The waitress brings one  for two – so much easier to choose… but this only shows alcohol and cocktails. We call her back, she exchanges it for the correct one. For some reason, it is not possible to have one per person.

We select the Mistletoe afternoon tea – £34, usual price for such a standing.

Tea arrives, served in silver teapots, lovely China cups, refined flavours.

Here comes the Golden Fizz cocktail. The side of the flute is sticky as if it hadn’t been cleaned properly. Mmmmh.

A larger table is available, we are asked whether we would like to move. We’re delighted. However it proves to be close to the entrance with icy air coming in when the hall door is opened. A cup of tea gets cold within two minutes. We adapt.

The waitress brings a plate of sandwiches: roast Turkey and Seasonal Berry Chutney; Honey Roast Ham with Red Onion Marmalade; Free Range Egg and Cress; Scottish Smoked Salmon and Cucumber with Cream Cheese. I am asked to choose. I’m surprised – the whole set has always been included in the upmarket afternoon teas I have tested before. I ask one of each. I’m even more perplex when I notice a whole plate being offered to a nearby customer without asking him to select anything. These are nice enough, each finger sandwich having a different kind of bread.

15 mn pass. Ah, here is a tower of treats. First level: an elegant scoop of clotted cream. Second level: two servings of jam, a strawberry and a blueberry one. The menu stated “mixed berry and vanilla jam”. Mmmm? Which other berries? Which vanilla or is it incredibly discreet? How come the top of the jam is so solid it comes away with the spoon? How long has it been sitting in this bowl? Third level: three tiny scones -  cranberries and spices, well baked, tender and fragant, the highlight of the tea.

Another 15mn. Again, I am asked to choose from a selection of cakes. To my knowledge there is no “or” in the menu. And the portions are small – understandable and usual for a selection, not if you are to select only one. I request one of each. Ok, but nothing transcending. A slice of chocolate yule log. A tasty mince pie. A star shaped shortbread, each branch dipped in white chocolate, sprinkled with dried tasteless strawberries. A snowflake cupcake: that size actually is referred to as a fairycake. A dollop of icing, not enough to cover the cake, a little coconut. Not much taste to it. I know where to find better ones! I actually can cook better ones!

That’s when our waitress suddenly disappears. We chat, we finish our tea. We grap our coat – it’s getting chillier as the temperatures drop outside. Most customers have left. Some arrive and ask for dinner.

40mn wait. I am now pretty fed up, ask a waiter for the rest of the afternoon tea. He brings an extra teapot and a plate of pastries. An ok stollen cake, a cupcake and a mince pie (already got those), mini chocolate Santas in foil paper – supermarket treats? – a hard marshmallow dipped in chocolate.

The Aberfeldy Single Malt Whisky Fruit Cake and the candy canes are nowhere to be seen. I’m pregnant, tired, annoyed and really cold. I ask for the teacake and crumpet which were supposed to arrive between the stollen and the chocolate santas. The waiter tries to bluff his way: oh, we usually bring them last. Sure. Entirely credible. Nice try.

Here they come. Only half a toasted teacake and a crumpet. Both lukewarm. The butter will not even melt on them! The crumpet is still cold inside…

I just want to be out of here. We arrived at 16h30, it is now 18h45. I ask for the bill, refusing to pay for the service. No one will bother asking why. No sign of a manager. Not even an excuse or a compensation. This is a joke of a 5* service.

The quality of the food is nowhere close to luxury. Neither is the service. Since when are the customers cold in such a place? Left aside to wait and check what should be on the menu? On what is this Tea Guild of Excellence based, exactely? We definitely haven’t had the same experience.

This was Benoit’s first experience of an afternoon tea. And of a palace.  He’s not likely to try it again.  What a dispappointing time!

You want to impress a lover, a mother in law? Stay away from this address. Prefer Yauatcha. It will not be a 5* but at least the service is correct, the treats exquisite, the wow effect really close to luxury and the portions bigger: one of their scones is bigger and tastier than the 3 presented here. Oh, and it costs £10 less.

A definite lack of elegance, taste and care towards the customer.

The Athenaeum
116 Piccadilly
Mayfair
London W1J 7BJ

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